Too many rambles, too many sleepless nights

Currently I am working at sleeping better at night. Is it happening? Not really. I am scheduled to to work to overnights this week. Tuesday night and Wednesday night. Today I have an exam and than Thursday I have another exam. It should be interesting. It will be interesting to see how its done. How well I can handle it. Or if I can handle it at all.

I am definetly taking this opportunity to learn and make some necessary changes in my life. I do not want the life I used to have. The life I used to have cause me pain and grief. That is not to say that I did not have good times but none the less my state of mind was constantly in turmoil which allowed me to hate myself.

But this fall semester is about something different. It is about me being more of an adult and less of a child. I mean for godsake I am twenty five years old.


Time to do something about life. Like live it.
Ileana

glasses/what stress does to a person

So today I stand up to pack up for class because I had just finished my homework. "Where are my glasses?!!!!???? Oh shit.... Did they fall out of my bag in the car? Probably where they are. Oh well don't have to time to go check my car... they should be ok. But what if..." talking like this in my head all the while walking in parkland to class.
As I am walking my brain thinks that my vision is a little bit fuzzy. So i get ready to clean my glasses. FOLKS I SWEAR ITS LIKE THEY WERE TWO OF ME THINKING TWO DIFFERENT SIDES TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. Than the frantic part of me that was searching for glasses realized that the other part of me, i would like to call her num nuts, had her glasses on her face the whole entire time. I blame stress, overworked, and not enough vacation time.


Ileana

had enough

Unfortunatly today I have met my limit. I just literally gave up doing homework. I don't have the necessary help and I am just tired. My lowest homework point gets dropped any way. I am getting an A in the class. So I am going to be a bad student and take three minutes for myself before I go insane. Until now this semester has been a complete success. I have been on time every single time. I have been in class every single time with the exception of an excused no show. I have done my homework every single morning but this morning is just impossible. It hurts. Every single part of me hurts.

I woke up at six thirty but for the life of me could not get up. I woke up at seven and by eight o'clock I was at school. I bought what I needed for the homework and I was reaching just reaching for the information to come back to me. BUT my brain has had enough. It can not do any more work. I will catch up with it tomorrow. For today its just going to have to have a brain fart. I went to bed 12:30 last night. So one can only imagine how tired and just out of it I am. I am going to have to take this hit for my mental wellbeing. I could run around like crazy to get this homework done but that would only create more stress. Maybe tomorrow I can have some one else do my homework. Maybe I can take a vacation and not think for a whole year.

I decided recently that when I graduate from college I am taking three months of vacation. A much needed vacation. I am opening a speciffic account where I am putting a small amount of cash from every paycheck. For the next four years, that will amount to a huge amount for a three month vacation. Anywhere in the world.


Ileana

tired...

im just tired... and would like to know when it is the time that i will not feel like a complete loser and jackass?
When is it that I can stop pretending that I am socially adapt. Apparantly I can not be aware of these social apitudes.
Man I feel like I suck some times...

Ileana

Someday

One day I will live in a remote part of the world. Not very remote but I look forward to the time I step in my apartment in this specific part of the world, and know that I am the only one who knows what truly goes on behind my doors. Right now I am not ready for that sort of thing just yet but some day I will be there.

Ileana

tired

tired, angry, sick to my stomach


ileana

Recent Development...

I know who I am. I can be a pain in the ass... foot in the mouth... head in the clouds... strange woman... But one thing I refuse is to do is to continue to make excuses for the way I am. If the world can't deal with how I am, or accept me the way I am, than why am I accepting the world just as it is... No one seems to give a shit about anybody else... That's right I said it... Why? Because for some reason I have been asked by the ones around me to watch every word I say and how it comes out... But when it comes to others being held responsible for aggressive things they say to me I should just take it... I say FUCK NO...
People seem to think I am dumb... But what people don't realize is this.... I am smarter than they give me credit for... They probably don't realize that I notice more than they give me credit for... Yes I act quite strangely and indiferently most of the time but that is because I choose not to join in the pettiness that world seems to love playing along to... Or just pretending or being fake for the sake of getting along... Just don't bring that shit around me... It will get denied... It has been since 1982(hint:the year I was born.)

Ileana the sheerah of idiots